SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Many an allergy sufferer has endured a season of plant sex – but never before has it been elevated to an art form, and certainly not with the help of motion picture magic. Is the world ready for plant porn? If so, how will it affect age verification and 2257 paperwork?Jonathan Keats is the mastermind behind the world’s first-ever erotic video entertainment for plants. While developing a ballet for honeybees last year he grew to comprehend how strong the influence of entertainment can be on creatures outside of the homo sapient sapient family of modern man (and woman). By carefully choosing and planting specific flowers near bee hives, he was able to influence where the busy creatures spent their time and what they did while they were there.
Given that plants respond to light and dark, Keats logically concluded that they might also respond to motion pictures, which he believes were “practically made for them.”
Now they’re not only “practically made for them,” at least one has been specifically made for them.
While uncertain exactly what keeps the attention of a plant, Keats decided that one universal topic would likely capture their focus: sex.
“I knew enough about their reproduction process to make an educated guess at what might titillate them – and that was pollination,” he explained to Reuters while discussing the six-minute film he ultimately projected onto the leaves of his subjects, for superior absorption of erotic entertainment.
Like most porn, this one spent much of its gritty black-and-white time obsessing on pollination. Keats calls his final product Cinema Botanica.
Unfortuantely, humans will likely be disappointed. “It is very boring,” he confesses, “but that is part of the essence of pornography; that it is very repetitive.”
An audience of 60 house plants viewed the film this month at the 1078 Gallery alternative arts space in Chico, CA, which Keats has christened “the world’s first porn theater for house plants.”
You don’t have to be a plant to watch the film, however. “This project is an initial effort to bring cinema to the plant kingdom, but also it gives humans the chance to reflect on themselves by stepping away from everyday experiences and looking back on themselves.”
This isn’t the first time that the 35-year-old Amherst College philosophy major has indulged in such an esoteric act. In 2003, he copyrighted his own mind – and not too long ago he exhibited alien abstract art. Alien, as in outer space, not south of the border. Most ambitious of his conversation inspiring projects, however, was his attempt to genetically engineer God in a Petri dish.
