LOS ANGELES, CA — While some might like to hope that such issues of international interest as the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, and possibly Iran might capture the hearts and minds of Americans, the truth appears to be that it’s the coochies, boobs, and butts of Hollywood’s least impulse controlled that truly set the national pulse to pounding – and Playboy would love to find a way to cash in on the profit potential.Unfortunately for Playboy, at least two of the Hollywood bad girls it would like to make money from can’t seem to stay sober.

Reports in the usual mainstream gossip sites report that a new biopic about Playboy founder Hugh Hefner could include mainstream motion picture booze hound Lindsay Lohan – if she can lay off the sauce.

“She is very talented – if she is sober. She would be great as a Playboy Bunny,” director Brett Ratner confessed to E! Online.

But what about Mouseketeer turned sex pot turned MILF, Britney Spears and her supposedly dashed hopes to show of her pussy more decoratively than she has in the past? After being trashed for showing too much post-baby skin during her not-so-stellar MTV “comeback” what hopes does she have of ever living the dream?

Although the press reported that Hefner gave Spears the big no, word now is that his response to the idea of a naked momma Britney inside of Playboy have been grossly exaggerated. According to Hefner, he never expressed an opinion on the subject at all, but now that he’s been asked, he’d love to see her naked in his magazine – if she can lay off the sauce and the cupcakes and whatever else she’s been using to send her life off into a sideways direction.

Ironically, Hefner explains that Spears, whose children currently spend all of their time with daddy Kevin Federline, was actually offered a spread in Playboy years before her star began to go freakishly strange, but she declined the honor.

Given that just this week Spears managed to run over and drive away from a police officer attempting to help her navigate a turn as she left yet another unsuccessful child custody hearing, it may be a while before she has an opportunity to rethink that decision. Meanwhile, Hefner is said to wish her well and hope that one day she’ll be able to get her personal and professional life back in order. Then and only then will she be allowed to join current object of her lust, Kim Kardashian, in the pages of Playboy.