SUFFERN, N.Y. – Raybeam Systematics LLC, a subsidiary of Patents ‘R Us Corp. and sister company of Takadumpi Technologies LLC, has filed a patent infringement class action against “any and all past, present and future users, viewers, vendors, distributors and consumers of movies distributed on DVD, Blu-ray disc, VHS cassette, Betamax tape, laser disc, compact disc” and other mediums, the company announced today.
“While we appreciate the fact these patents have enabled billions of people to enjoy everything from award-winning, big-budget Hollywood hits to quasi-legal amateur porn videos shot in Lithuanian woodsheds, we cannot stand idly by while our client’s intellectual property rights are trampled upon through wanton unlicensed use of their patents,” said Herb Sellers, chief corporate counsel for Patents ‘R Us. “Frankly, this is even worse than when we had to sue every member of the Bebop Musicians Association of America for their repeated infringements on our client’s patents of the trumpet and the key of D minor, as well as their design trademark on playing saxophone while wearing sunglasses and high on heroin.”
As has been the case with similarly broad patent litigation in the past, a number of adult entertainment companies are among those named in the suit. Among the adult companies targeted is Grassroots Glamour Girls (GGG), an amateur porn video company whose movies feature performers who smoke copious quantities of marijuana before, during and after filming each scene.
“Dude, this lawsuit is such bullshit, dude,” said Terrell Jimoshen, GGG’s founder and chief executive officer. “I mean, dude, I’m not a lawyer or anything, but isn’t there something in the Constitution against suing people who are really, really stoned? I think it’s called ‘Mountain Dew Process’ or some shit.
“It’s just like the thing with gay dudes getting married: People just need to relax, man,” he continued. We’re just making movies, you know? How can that be a crime? I mean, fighting wars for oil, shooting black kids for trying to buy skittles or whatever, putting dudes in prison for smoking a joint, that shit should be a crime, man, not making movies, or putting movies on a piece of plastic, or whatever it is I’m being sued over.”
Jimoshen’s confusion over the nature of the lawsuit appears to be a recurring theme among those who have received demand letters from Patents ‘R Us. Jessica Brown-Ayers, a comptroller in New Jersey and mother of three, said she initially used the glossy demand letter packet as an ersatz mousepad until a friend suggested “maybe I should have a lawyer take a look at it.”
“The really sucky thing is the lawyer I talked to was all like, ‘Well, they probably don’t have a leg to stand on, but they could easily bankrupt you without winning the case,’” Brown-Ayers said. “It all just seems so unfair, you know? I didn’t make these DVDs. I just rented them from a Redbox. Why isn’t Redbox the one getting sued? Oh — they’re suing Redbox, too? Shit.”
Sellers said his company is not indifferent to the concerns of consumers who feel they’ve been targeted unfairly and noted that the royalty fee demanded by Raybeam Systematics is “tiered accordingly.”
“For the end-user consumer, all we ask is past offenders remunerate our clients at the very reasonable rate of $1,100 per pixel transmitted in the process of their inarguably flagrant disrespect for intellectual property law,” Sellers said. “More serious offenders, like production houses, video store owners and Steve Chen, will have to pay more — somewhere between several million dollars and every last thing they possess, right down to the very lint in their pockets.”
For all of Sellers’ confidence, some legal experts aren’t so sure Raybeam Systematics’ suit will survive court scrutiny.
“If you look at the title and abstract of most patents, you’ll at least be able to discern something coherent about the scope and nature of the claim,” said Ray Gregmore, an intellectual property specialist with the Boston-based law firm Bird McHale & Parish. “In this case, the primary patent at issue here simply says ‘Methods for watching movies, videos and stuff, including but not limited to the following’ and a list of video display technologies, not one of which was actually invented by the purported patent-holder.”
Despite the apparent weakness of the patent claims, Gregmore said a victory for the defendants “is not a slam dunk.”
“It’s more like a layup, but a pretty hard one where you’re being defended by someone, not an open fast break,” Gregmore said. “I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a finger roll you’re trying to drop in over DeAndre Jordan, though; more like drive to finish at the rim while Matthew Dellavedova is tugging on the leg of your shorts as you go by.”
Regardless of the prospects for victory, Jimoshen said he’s going to “fight this thing to the end.”
“I’m gearing up now for an epic battle, dude,” Jimoshen said. “It’s going to be kind of like the Battle of the Five Armies in The Hobbit, only instead of being allied with elves and dwarves to fight orcs and wargs, I’ll have porn stars and potheads at my side, fighting against lawyers and greedy Japanese corporate dudes.”
Sparking a comically-large joint before taking a moment to again thumb through the stack of legal documents on his desk, Jimoshen looked reflective, like some completely baked version of a Roman Empire-era general contemplating battle, but who has suddenly remembered he’s already standing on the battlefield.
“Actually, come to think of it,” Jimoshen exhaled, “I’d honestly rather fight orcs and wargs.”
