BROOKLYN, NY – Look, I get the whole Rule 34 thing, and its unnumbered corollary: If a device has a camera on it, said device inevitably will be used to shoot porn. But there’s another rule about porn I think people miss sometimes: By its nature, porn requires the viewer be able to actually see the naked and/or copulating performers.

Based on this criterion, the “drone porn” produced by Ghost + Cow Films definitely fails as porn—which is not to say it fails, generally, as a nice little video.

Looked at not as porn but as a pleasant bit of flyover footage, Drone Boning does have some merit. If it were being used to sell the real estate it passed over, for example, it would be a pretty compelling commercial for the property. The bottom line with porn, however, is one needs to be able to get off to it or it’s just not much use as porn.

Your video has nice scenery? Great. Can I see some tits now, please? Your video is filled with artistry? Do I really have to explain the optional status of that in the context of porn?

Frankly, the only thing that isn’t optional in porn is the part that makes it porn —you know, the people who are probing, prodding, fucking, sucking, spreading, spanking, spitting, slurping, slapping, etc., and their assorted blood-engorged body parts.

To be fair, if you look at the Ghost + Cow Films website, it’s pretty clear these folks aren’t porn producers. They appear to be ‘legitimate filmmakers’ who experimented with shooting something with a drone which is technically sexually-explicit but clearly not porn.

The problem is, since porn has never seen an idea it didn’t copy, some actual porn company is now going to run out, acquire a drone and follow suit. They’ll probably cheat a little, maybe by using a handheld camera to catch some up-close penetration to subsequently edit into the flow of the drone footage. The composition of the aerial shots probably won’t be as good, either, but overall it will look like an amateurish rendition of Drone Boning—with the obligatory facial cumshot tacked on at the end, naturally.

The other thing you can count on is that someone in the industry will want to one-up Ghost + Cow and take the whole overhead camera concept to a whole new level: Space, the Final Porn Frontier.

While I think zero-gravity porn has some serious potential for otherworldly hotness (floating DPs and zero-G cumshots, anyone?), I’m less excited about the prospect of orbital satellite porn, which is now inevitable.

I’m especially not looking forward to the public reaction to the press release announcing the first orbital satellite porn. Some half-assed scandal will ensue, and we’ll all have to hear about how the video was an egregious waste of valuable technical resources, and some poor fuck from a hitherto unheard of government regulatory agency will be called in front of Congress so they can badger him about how such a travesty could be allowed to happen in the first place, then vote to give themselves pay raises.

Then again, I’ve heard it said there are satellites capable of reading a license plate from space, so maybe satellite porn wouldn’t be so bad. The logistics might be a bit of a challenge, and sure, production costs could be as astronomical as the device shooting the footage, but the marketing offset would be significant. I can already see the bold red letters on the DVD cover: “The First Porn That’s Truly Out of This World!”

Has Ghost + Cow started a trend? I doubt it. There will be a few “Me Too, Inc.” types who follow their lead, but for now, drone porn clearly is a novelty item.

Satellite or zero-gravity porn, on the other hand…. Well, let’s just say as of now the gauntlet officially has been dropped. What Hero of Porndom will take up the challenge?