Hey, Congress? It’s us again – your constituents.Please forward this correspondence to all your peers in State, City, County, and assorted other denominations of legislature along the chain, and your pals over at the White House, too. (We’d do so ourselves, but we’ve got real jobs to do.)

This letter is not in regards to the war in Iraq, illegal immigration, National – er, excuse me, that should be “Homeland” – Security, energy policy, or the future of Social Security.

At this point, frankly, we have given up on you entirely where those issues are concerned and we’re resorting to crossing our fingers, throwing salt over our shoulders, and hanging horseshoes over our doorways as a substitute for effective national policy.

This time we have a simpler request in mind and the great part is that it requires nothing of you – quite literally.

What we ask is this: please stop writing laws that you know, full well, are neither necessary nor Constitutional.

(Better yet, just stop writing laws altogether. You suck at it and we have more than enough of them as it stands.)

For one, specific example – and I’m talking to you here, Utah, Michigan, and Oklahoma – video games simply cannot be inserted into your state’s definition of “obscenity.”

Just forget about this one and move on to some other trivial, feel-good measure that you can carry off.

(We hear it’s not that hard to rename streets and buildings after people that your voters like; are you certain your state has enough Ronald Reagan and/or John F. Kennedy avenues, federal buildings, and airports?)

Face it, your community’s definition of obscenity has enough problems already – no matter what State, District, County, Township, Hamlet, or Borough you represent – and it certainly doesn’t need to be muddled further by questions like: “Why is Brothers in Arms OK, but Doom not OK?”

Another ‘for-instance:’ enough with “child-protective” legislation so expansive that a statue of a nude woman in one’s backyard can be construed as “material harmful to minors.”

That one is just silly, guys – even the most conservative among us aren’t that offended by a urinating cherub fountain or naked cupid lawn ornament in our gauche neighbor’s courtyard.

In case you’re wondering, we’re referring to a piece of legislative dung signed into law by the governor of Tennessee not long ago.

Governor Bredesen, sir, we’re all against child pornography and the exploitation of children. Please reread that nonsense bill you signed into law, though – it covers a number of items that have nothing at all to do with either of those abhorrent crimes.

In case you threw out your own copy of the law (and we wouldn’t hold it against you if you did), you can find it here, Governor:
http://tennessee.gov/sos/acts/104/pub/pc0496.pdf

Please pay special attention to the definition of “material,” a definition that includes “theatrical productions.”

Apparently Tennessee’s state legislators are concerned about child predators taking kids to see a local production of Weapons of Ass Destruction: The Musical?

While you’re at it, why not add ice-skating revues to the definition? You never know when some sleazy Hollywood pornographer will come up with the concept of Deepthroat On Ice….

Governor Bredesen, your state already has laws prohibiting child pornography and the exploitation of children, laws that are augmented by corresponding federal statutes. All such laws provide appropriately harsh sentences for offenders.

Get your people to work on enhancing the efficacy of investigation and prosecution of crimes perpetrated upon our children under the existing statutes and you won’t need that undoubtedly-to-be-invalidated law.

One more example and then we’ll let y’all get back to work – or back to hording illegal gifts from lobbyists, or whatever it is you spend your time on when you aren’t busy burdening the nation’s code of laws with newly-minted rubbish.

We happen to like strip clubs and adult shops.

OK, not all of us do, naturally, but there are enough libertine folk among us that strip clubs and adult shops generally do pretty brisk business.

We know for a fact that the success of such businesses hasn’t escaped your notice, because all over the country, you are doing what you can to shut them down and run them out.

The targets include strip clubs in Scottsdale, topless bars in Tulsa, “bring yer own booze” nude clubs in Montana, adult video sections of stores in Palmer City, Alaska….

Palmer City, Alaska? Hey, forgive us for being crass, but we’re going to suggest that masturbating to porn videos might be a fairly significant entry on the very short list of nightlife possibilities for a single guy in Palmer City, Alaska.

Yes, yes, we know – it’s all morally wrong, we’re turning our daughters into T&A vending machines on six-inch heels and our sons into misogynistic, rape-happy sex-fiends.

Disregard that many of us feel the above conclusions are arguable, at best, and hair-brained, at worst; last time we checked, the question of Constitutionality was not subject to the majority opinion of anyone outside the judges’ chambers, and subjective moral positions are not, and cannot be, the sole and exclusive basis for our country’s laws.

While we’re at it, we’ll remind you that this is supposed to be a free market economy in which the “market decides.” Why does that laissez faire approach apply to alcohol, cigarettes, and guns, but not naked people and/or videos of naked people doing naughty things with each other?

(Don’t for a second use what we just said as support for passing new laws against smokes, booze, and firearms, by the way. You outlaw those and we’ll all just get drunk on bootlegged liquor, hold you at gunpoint with our unregistered weapons, and burn your flesh with our tasty illegal cigarettes until you agree to repeal the new laws…..)

Since we’re feeling charitable today, we’ll even allow for the fact that the vast majority of us aren’t particularly jazzed about the idea of our own son or daughter becoming a peeler or a porn star for that matter.

You know what, though? At the end of the day, it’s just not our call what other people do with their lives, within reason. It shouldn’t always be your call, either, and that’s our point here.

Look, we understand that you have a job to do – purportedly the one we elected you to do. It’s just that we’ve noticed your productivity is….. well, largely counter-productivity, in the final measure, because you never, ever, seem to get things right in the first go-round.

What we ask is that you streamline the whole legislative process by trimming the fat at its source. When you next debate an issue and subsequently consider legislation designed to address that issue, pose this handy trio of simple questions, right from the start:

1 – Is this new law we contemplate completely necessary?
2 – Is this new law, once composed, clearly defined throughout and void of clearly invalid provisions?
3 – Was this new law proposed by someone with the last name of Brownback, Dewine, Clinton, Baucus, Pryor, or Lieberman?

If the answer to either 1 or 2 is “No” and/or the answer to 3 is “Yes,” dump the whole bill and corresponding discussion,and move on to the next item of business.

Trust us, this will save you so much time, paper, and breath that you’ll wonder how you ever managed without these three questions.

Please don’t be offended by our bluntness; truly, we understand your need to look busy while not accomplishing anything. To be honest, that’s how most of us spend our work day, too.

At our places of employment, though, we don’t make decisions that cost billions in dollars, thousands in human lives, and years in time wasted. Your jobs are important and should be treated as such.

Here’s hoping the next “War” you wage is one against unnecessary, ineffective, and facially unconstitutional legislation, at all levels of jurisprudence.

Yours truly – for now,
A “Fair Percentage” of the American Public