By M.Christian
YNOT – It’s a pleasant thought that even though a lot of folks are gearing up for the annual anal sex rampage known as Tax Day, other folks have been focusing on much more consensual, though often bizarre, forms of sexual adventurism.
Praise the Lord and pass the G-strings
Poles have been very big in the news. Stripper poles, to be precise. From ABC News comes a report of a unique approach to exercise. You may very well have guessed that a certain brass pole is an essential element but, dollars to donuts, you didn’t see this coming: “God gives us these bodies, and they are supposed to be our temples and we are supposed to take care of them. And that’s what we are doing,” Crystal Dean, a Christian pole dancing teacher in Texas, told ABC.
It gets even better: commenting on the Pole Dancing for Christ phenomenon, University of Texas Professor Thomas Tweed said, “Some people, of course, would say that this is not the way; that it’s too vulgar, it’s too crass, it’s inappropriate. But I can imagine some Christians saying if it actually brings a husband and wife together as Christians to deepen the marriage bond, that actually it’s okay.”
Tweed did not say what, if anything, should be stuffed in a Christian pole dancer’s … well, whatever they might consider appropriate attire for stuffing.
Meanwhile, The UK Register passed on an item from — here’s a shocker — Florida about a woman in the midst of a breakup who reported to police the theft of a rather personal piece of exercise equipment: a “15-foot ‘expert dancing pole.'” The obvious suspect in the theft, the ex-boyfriend, said someone else must have stolen the pole, because he doesn’t have it. Police have not been able to locate the missing joystick, so the unfortunate victim has been (yes, we are going to say it) shafted.
The buzz
The world is in a sad state when, at any given time, the nightmarish specter of violence can visit us or our loved ones … or, in the case of one disturbing report from Russia, a plastic substitute for a loved one. “Anti-terrorist bomb squad experts were called to a post office in the northwest of Russia to make safe a package from which a strange ticking sound was coming, local police said Monday,” Brietbart reported.
Instead of an explosive device, the intrepid bomb squad discovered a contraption capable of helping someone go off completely without a bang: a switched-on vibrator.
Not to be left out of the action, Florida — What the hell is it with that state? — residents demonstrated rigid sexually oriented devices of all sizes are fair game for pilfering. Mitchell Tice, 40, was arrested after making off with a bag of dildos. (You saw that one coming, didn’t you?) According to The Smoking Gun, Tice’s girlfriend reported being suspicious when she saw Tice “had placed a bag of dildos (sex toys) under their bed.” The items in question, it turns out, belonged to Tice’s employers, which adds a new dimension to the concept of screwing with your boss.
I love ewe
Meanwhile, Arizona made a serious move to squeeze Florida out of its spot at the top of the weird list. According to The Arizona Republic, the old story about cowboys and sheep may be neither cliché nor joke, at least where a certain Mesa, Ariz., deputy fire chief is concerned.
Deputy Fire Chief Leroy Donald Johnson’s move to take the number one spot was as masterful as it was passionate.
“You caught me…. I tried to [expletive] your sheep,” he reportedly told the animal’s owner when caught with his pants around his ankles.
Luckily, Maricopa County, Ariz., Sheriff Joe Arpaio was able to put a cultured spin on the whole affair by quoting Gandhi: “I think it’s disgusting. I think of Gandhi, who said you judge the morality of a country by the way they treat their animals….”
The final word on that may need to come from the sheep. Evidently embarrassed by her role in the sordid affair, the animal beat a hasty retreat before she could be questioned, according to the paper.
M.Christian is a YNOT.com contributing editor and an author of literary erotica that blends the spectrum of sexual preferences and desires with horror and science fiction. Got weird sex news you want to share? Email him.
