By M.Christian

YNOT – While far too humble to challenge the genius of Benjamin Franklin, we have to say there actually are three things that are absolutely, positively certain in this world: death, taxes and sanctimonious zealots.

As evidence, we point to what surely will precipitate the imminent destruction of mankind: Ice cream company Ben & Jerry’s — aka “the force of ultimate evil” — has debuted a new flavor clearly designed to corrupt the moral fiber of America’s youth. Composed of vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum, fudge-covered rum balls and malted milk balls, Schweddy Balls pays homage to the classic (and classically hilarious) Saturday Night Live sketch starring Alec Baldwin.

According to right-wing defenders of all that is holy, however, the sweet treat is a sign of the end times. The new flavor has been called “vulgar,” “repulsive” and “offensive,” among other things.

One Million Moms, an affiliate of the American Family Association (surprise!) has called for a boycott of Ben & Jerry’s. After all, how much more is the American public supposed to endure from this vile company? OMM hasn’t been this outraged since last year, when as part of what the moms called “an annual tradition of offending customers,” Ben & Jerry’s released a special edition product called “Hubby Hubby” to celebrate gay marriage.

At about the same time, another parents group had another cow — this one involving, of all entities, the Fox television network. (Seriously? Fox?) The Parents Television Council has complained to the Federal Communications Commission about a recent episode of the network’s X Factor reality “talent” show. At issue: It appears contestant Geo Godley dropped trou and exposed himself during his act, sending judge Paula Abdul to the ladies room to recover and sparking moral outrage among PTC censor-wannabes.

The broadcasting delays built into TV programming these days allowed Fox to slip a pixilated box over Godley’s man parts before anyone at home got an eyeful; nevertheless, the PTC’s righteous indignation knows no bounds.

“Families were led to believe the X Factor would be family-friendly programming and instead were assaulted by graphic nudity,” PTC President Tim Winter fairly shrieked in a press release. “…[T]he fact that Fox assigned a content rating of TV-PG DL for a naked man frolicking around on a stage is not just inaccurate, it is fraudulent.”

In case you’ve lost track, the PTC is the same right-wing bunch that campaigned for cancellation of NBC’s The Playboy Club, ostensibly because the show “mainstreamed the pornography industry.” Considering the now-cancelled show’s only slightly edgy scripts, the pornography industry was offended by the suggestion.