WASHINGTON, D.C. – “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”
When what you’re trying to do is download porn at work, however, and you work at the Pentagon, it might be best to stop trying right around attempt number 12,000.
One unidentified employee of the most famous five-sided building in the U.S. wasn’t about to let more than 12,000 failed attempts discourage him.
Many assert the circumstances are indicative of man with a severe porn addiction, an utter lack of work ethic, or some form of porn-specific dementia which prevented him from realizing his employer uses a web content filter.
I see this whole report in a different light, though.
Where others see a flailing, desperate, workplace pervert doing anything except his job, I see a person displaying the very sort of stick-to-it, never-say-die attitude we have come to expect from the men and women entrusted with protecting the nation from all threats, foreign and domestic.
The problem here, clearly, is a failure on the part of Pentagon management. Obviously, they have stuck this individual in a dreary, go-nowhere job in which his or her best personality trait – persistence – is not being used to its fullest.
Put this man in charge of a major counterterrorism operation, one of those frustrating, years-long investigations that involves careful monitoring of intelligence “chatter” and sifting through thousands of lines of text communication in an attempt to crack the code used by terrorists. Clearly, he has the sort of patience and doggedness required to do the job.
Naturally, any person performs a job better provided the right incentive, and given the contents of this person’s browser history (or the intended contents thereof, at least), I think we all know the proper performance incentive here is access to Internet porn.
Just tell this man for every member of Al Qaeda or ISIS he tracks down or every terrorist act he prevents, he will be granted one full day of in-office porn privileges. You’ll have unleashed on our enemies the ultimate in tenacious and diligent (albeit possibly not terribly bright) terror-warrior in the history of American counterterrorism.
The law allows drug-enforcement task forces to do things like seize drug dealers’ personal property (especially vehicles) and keep it for their own personal and professional use. In addition, we’ve also heard how common it is for investigators to find porn when they raid terrorists’ safe houses and training camps. (Even Osama Bin Laden had hard drives chock-full o’ smut.) Combine the two, and there’s yet another incentive to dangle in front of the carnally consistent counterterrorist: He gets to take home every piece of seized porn, so he can finally start building a collection he can watch somewhere other than work!
American media is too quick to assume the worst. They get their clammy little hands on a report about a guy who’s just trying to brighten up his day by watching a little porn while hunkered down in his C-Ring cubicle, and they run around squawking and fretting like national security itself is at risk.
All the hand-wringing and moralistic disapproval aimed at the anonymous and underappreciated Pentagon employee is nothing but fear-mongering hogwash and liberal media negativity. We are at war here, people! Now is not the time to nitpick about the viewing habits of the nation’s defenders.
Quite the contrary. Now is the time to take the Pentagon’s “porn lemons” and turn them into delicious, tangy, covert and patriotic Porn Lemonade!
