BURBANK, Calif. – While the idea might send J.R.R. Tolkien’s corpse into a spin, I like Orlando Bloom’s idea for an Elven porn spinoff of The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings series – but only if it’s done right.
And by “done right,” I don’t mean done in the usual style of modern porn parodies. With all due respect to noted parody director Axel Braun, what we don’t want here is to see the concept turned into a campy, derivative work called This Ain’t the Hobbit XXX.
What we need is an old-school porn parody, with a proper parody name and the full porno-pun treatment throughout.
We need it to be called The Whorebbit or Rear and Back Again.
We need lead characters with names like “Dildo Faggins” and “Throbbin Oakenschlong.”
We need “Gobblem” to guess there’s a rock-hard cock in Dildo’s pocket, and we need that guess to be correct.
Naturally, there will be major departures from the original text in order to facilitate a sensibly gratuitous sexual plotline. For instance, we’ll need to turn Gobblem into a blonde chick with big fake tits who calls her magic vibrator “My Precious” and becomes absolutely furious when that thieving little fur-footed shit Dildo runs off with it.
Make no mistake, there will be substantial creative challenges while filming a carnal twist on Middle Earth. First and foremost, the production crew will need to decide what to do about depicting Smaug, since obviously the will not have Peter Jackson’s budget, making the use of sophisticated CGI impractical.
One option would be to excise the dragon from the plot of The Whorebbit altogether, but that feels like a copout. Rather than than simply give up on the idea of having a dragon in the film, I’d rather slap a random old costume from the set of H.R. Pufnstuf onto Manuel Ferrara and have his cock stick out the front.
I think the best approach however, would be to turn the character into a female dragon – “Smlut” – and have the vulnerable portion of the underbelly be her asshole. Naturally, Dildo has to penetrate Smlut’s Achilles anus with Gobblem’s magic vibrator – not to kill Smlut, but in order to turn her into a friendly, peaceful, cock-sucking, dope-smoking dragon. (Fuck “Bard the Bowman;” unlike Smaug, I have no issue with kicking that boring asshole of a character out of my movie fantasy.)
Casting will be a crucial part of this effort, but since Orlando Bloom has already volunteered and Conan appears to be on board as well, presumably we have already filled a couple of key roles. One assumes since this is Orlando’s concept to begin with, he will want to seize the marquee and play the role of Dildo. He’s not my first choice, honestly, but he’ll do. Plus, his star power should help boost the box office draw.
For the role of Glandolf, I picture Randy West in a long, white wig. Ron Jeremy is the natural choice to play Throbbin Oakenschlong, his hairy feet notwithstanding. For the climactic Gangbang of the Five Penises, we’ll need at least three other cocksmen, but they won’t get a lot of face-time in the movie, so it doesn’t matter as much who plays them. Any three random porn-mopes will do, really.
With the right marketing and promotion, The Whorebbit, Rear and Back Again could be much more than a record-breaking porn parody. It could evolve into the sort of porn franchise we haven’t seen since the heyday of The Devil in Mrs. Jones. It could be exactly the shot in the arm the industry needs right now – along with a shot of penicillin, just in case.
Sure, skeptics will argue Orlando and Conan were just kidding around and have no intention of actually appearing in a porn flick anytime soon, but even if we lose our two Big Name Stars, this is a project that needs to happen.
As an industry, we simply cannot allow the porn parody-book on LOTR to close with our industry being represented by substandard concepts like Whore of the Rings. (Sorry, Jim Powers. I call ‘em as I see ‘em.)
Although….
In light of the 9[SUP]th[/SUP] Circuit’s recent decision not to enjoin Los Angeles County’s condoms-in-porn ordinance, it might be best if, in addition to being set there, The Whorebbit is shot in Middle Earth, too.
