MONTGOMERY, Ill. – Some judges have all the fun.

Imagine, for example, being the black-robed figure on the bench who gets to hear a case in which patrons of a haunted house have filed suit over being accosted by clowns brandishing sex toys. Now that’s a landmark case in the making!

According to a lawsuit filed by Regina Janito, when she, her daughter and three of her daughter’s friends visited the Massacre Haunted House in the Chicago suburb of Montgomery, Ill., they were confronted with something far more terrifying than zombies, ghouls or sheet-clad ghosts. Before they’d even made it out of the parking lot, they were approached by a pair of bawdy bozos armed with every clown’s weapon of choice: ultra-menacing marital aids.

One of the clowns, Robert Keller, allegedly employed his dildo to poke at Janito’s daughter, while his unidentified co-clown-conspirator (“Kinko Doe,” perhaps?) “simulated a sex act” with his own toy. Keller also allegedly made “repeated lewd and offensive remarks,” according to media reports.

What sort of remarks is one supposed to make while passionately playing the role of a sexually deviant clown? Small talk about the weather?

“The conduct of the haunted house and its employees crossed all lines of decency and common sense,” according to attorney Michael Huseman, who represents Janito and her daughter. “Their conduct was outrageous and extreme. My client and her daughter were traumatized by the event. We hope this whole thing is resolved quickly.”

While the two jokers reportedly did get way out of line, did they really cross all lines of decency and common sense? There’s nothing in the police report to suggest the clowns penetrated anyone with their Horror Dildos, after all, and there was no mention of anybody twerking, quoting ICP lyrics or playing miniature Jack in the Box with the fly on their clown pants.

Nic Miele, the general manager of the haunted house, released a statement assuring the Illinois public that despite what they might have heard about parking lot clowns angling to stuff themselves into more than just tiny cars, his eerie establishment remains exactly the sort of safe, family-oriented environment that one would expect from a business that calls itself “Massacre.”

“We make every effort to ensure our Halloween experience is as safe and as scary as possible,” the statement reads, in part. “We abide by all regulations, take all allegations of misconduct seriously, and are cooperating with police. All the while, we are committed to continuing our Halloween tradition of fear and fright for many years to come.”

In all likelihood, no local regulation or ordinance specifically prohibits haunted houses from using sex toys as horror props, so that part of Miele’s statement is probably reasonably accurate, so far as it goes. Presumably, part of their “cooperation” will include clarifying whether the clowns in question were provided with their intimidating implements by Massacre, or whether that part of their costume was an inspired bit of independent improvisation by Keller and Doe.

No matter how you slice it (or no matter how you probe it) Keller and his hitherto unidentified partner in clown-crime are far from the most frightening clowns Illinois has ever seen. That distinction pretty clearly belongs to one “Pogo the Clown” – who is perhaps better known by his Christian name, John Wayne Gacy. When it came to ol’ Pogo Gacy, “massacre” was far more than a word on a sign.

The first hearings in the impending Janito v. Dildo Clowns legal circus won’t happen until January, and for now, Massacre remains open for business.

If you go there, however, you might consider parking across the street, just in case the craven Kinko Doe – who presumably remains at large (or presumably remains in large shoes, anyway) – returns to rear his ugly, unnervingly realistic, molded-plastic head.