TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – In response to criticism about the constitutionality of new legislation under consideration by the Florida House of Representatives, lawmakers have devised “an innovative and unobtrusive workaround mechanism which should allay the concerns of all interested parties.” Larry Bruce McMahon, unofficial spokesperson for the Florida House, made the announcement during a press conference on Thursday.
McMahon said the new bill, HB 666, also known as the “Fuck You and Your Fucking Internet Act” (FYYFIA), is a direct response to the controversy surrounding HB 271, also known as “True Origin of Digital Goods Act,” (TODGA).
If passed, TOGDA would “require owners and operators of websites or online services (websites) that deal in substantial part with the electronic dissemination of commercial recordings and audiovisual works to provide personal identification information plainly on the website,” according to a legislative analysis of the bill.
“After listening to the all the incessant moaning and shrill whining from various neo-socialists and cyber-hippies about ‘preemption,’ so-called ‘free speech’ and the alleged importance of being able to exercise such a speech right anonymously, several members of the House got together to brainstorm,” McMahon said. “They quickly realized the best solution also was the most obvious and pragmatic: simply ban application of the First Amendment within the boundaries of the state of Florida — and on a case by case basis, in any other jurisdiction wherein Florida wishes to enforce any of its intellectual property laws, as well.”
McMahon said if FYYFIA passes, Florida essentially would “annex” all other U.S. states in limited fashion, for the “extremely narrow purpose of globally enforcing intellectual property laws in furtherance of protecting citizens of the state of Florida — or citizens of Florida who own marks and copyrights associated with crappy Latin-tinged pop music and/or cartoon mice, at least.”
While McMahon said the legislature is “very confident” FYYFIA could withstand court scrutiny, others aren’t so sure.
“I’ve never seen a clearer violation of the U.S. Constitution in all my time helping digital-content pirates avoid legal consequences stemming from their knowing and willful violations of intellectual property law,” Fritz von Frilöder of the Eclectic Frontiersmen Foundation wrote in a recent blog post. “Clearly, mayors of Toronto and Washington DC are not the only lawmakers ever to have developed a debilitating crack habit.”
Formerly Florida-based adult industry attorney Ramco Zandarraz concurred with von Frilöder, saying while has yet to read the text of the bill, he has “no doubt it’s dumber than George W. Bush on 500mg of methaqualone.”
“These people couldn’t spell ‘cat’ if you spotted them the c and the t,” Zandarraz added in reference to the Florida legislature. “Seriously, if breathing weren’t an involuntary bodily function, even that would be too complicated for these inbred, backwater shit-heels.”
McMahon strongly defended the legislature, however, forcefully asserting “no active member of the legislature smoked crack cocaine or ingested any Quaaludes for at least six days prior to the introduction of either bill.”
McMahon also was dismissive of the claim FYYFIA is clearly unconstitutional and/or preempted by federal law.
“People said the same thing about the video game legislation championed by Florida’s own Jack Thompson,” McMahon said. “Here were are several years later, Jack has been disbarred, and those laws have been shot down in every state in which they were adopted. Shit…. OK, bad example there, but you get my point: Here in Florida, when it comes to writing law, we know how it’s done.”
McMahon also denied mainstream entertainment industry lobbying had anything to do with the proposal of either FYYFIA or TODGA, saying it was “total coincidence” every member of the House now drives a customized luxury sedan with mouse ears as a hood ornament.
“These esteemed legislators are people who spend a lot of time with each other, so it’s no surprise they develop similar tastes in luxury vehicles, offshore banks or exotic vacation destinations,” McMahon said. “Any suggestion of corruption or undue corporate influence is not only completely inaccurate and unfair, but it’s also something you really shouldn’t investigate further for at least a few weeks. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to make 120 phone calls which are totally unrelated to those absurd suggestions of impropriety we were discussing a moment ago.”
McMahon said other items on the upcoming Florida House calendar enjoying broad bipartisan support include a proposal to rename Alfred B. Maclay Gardens State Park “Fantasia Gardens Spend Your Money Happily NOW State Park” and the Prohibition of Satire on the Internet Act.
