FLORANCE, ITALY —Established in 59 BC by Julius Caesar, Florence Italy was renowned during the Renaissance for its flourishing art and mercantile communities. Although not as famous for its courtesans as Venice, it nonetheless housed many a wealthy man who kept a beautiful and talented woman in comfort. Alas for progress, today the sight of a vibrating rubber ducky is too saturated with sin for the once-great city’s citizens to endure.According to a number of clumsily translated Italian news reports, a Florentine department store’s decision to carry items in the Big Teaze Toys I Rub My Duckie line has led to what some are calling a sex “scandal.”
At issue is the daring decision by the Coin Street Calzaioli shop, which carries lingerie and other delicate undergarments for ladies, to include the adorable massagers along with its regular inventory.
So incensed by the presence of the petite and plausibly deniable vibrators was one upstanding consumer that she sent off a frantic email to the local police department demanding that something be done to protect the innocence of children who likely have no idea what the ducks can be used for.
Confused by the idea of vibrating rubber ducks anywhere, let alone a lingerie department, Sheriff Graziano Cioni ordered his men to inspect the shop’s inventory and determine whether it might pose a risk to those in the surrounding area.
Upon arrival, Cioni and his men could immediately see that the ducks were situated cozily among the unmentionables, with nary a sign of warning.
Unafraid of the risks clearly posed to the officers by the attractively packaged novelty items, the Sheriff promptly informed the store manager that he was in violation of Article 28 of a new regulation concerning the sale of erotic items for adults.
The ducks were quickly gathered up and taken into police custody.
The new regulation ordains that all erotic items must be kept at least 200 meters from schools, parks, churches and memorial buildings to the dead – or kept obscured from view with appropriate notice to those who do not wish to encounter them.
In the case of Coin Street Calzaioli, curtains were available for visual protection, but no warning about the proximity of the vibrating ducks were in evidence, thus making it possible for minors to blunder into the area and presumably have their innocence cruelly stripped away.
In addition to seeing his ducks arrested, news sources reported that the shop manager was levied a fine for his trespasses.
