SAN DIEGO – Back when I was a high school senior, military recruiters somehow caught wind I wasn’t going straight to college after graduation. As a result, I received at least one phone call a week in which a recruiter for one of the four major branches of the armed forces tried to convince me their branch was just the place for an apparently directionless young man such as myself.
One such recruiter, informed of my intent to pursue a career in music, spent several minutes extolling the virtues of the Army Band program. (Oddly enough, he never quite got around to answering my question about the place and function of the electric guitar within the venerated organization.)
Although none of the recruiters’ pitches resonated with me, the one that stood out as the most unappealing was the idea of joining the Navy SEALs, despite being told it would “make a man” of me, instill the sort of staunch self-discipline a long-haired, guitar-toting freak like me clearly lacked and prove to the world I was “made of the right stuff.”
Looking back on everything now, I think I might have been too hasty in deciding the SEAL program wasn’t for me. In my defense though, I didn’t know these guys were hoovering drugs up their noses like their commanding officer was Sgt. Keith Richards, and I definitely didn’t know they got to moonlight as porn performers.
As it turns out, a male porn performer known as “Jay Voom” is also a SEAL named John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Joseph John Schmidt III, who reportedly appeared in a couple dozen videos with his wife, Jewels Jade.
You mean to tell me if I had joined the SEALs as a youngster, right now I could be high as a kite and starring in porn? Don’t get me wrong: One of out of two ain’t bad, and I’m not even sure I’d want to appear in porn, but by omitting these facts during our phone calls back then, the Navy’s 1980s-era recruiters seriously dropped the ball.
Oh sure, technically it’s probably against some sort of military code or policy for Schmidt to be living the porn life while still an active SEAL, but what’s the worst that can happen?
“We have initiated a formal investigation into these allegations,” according to Capt. Jason Salata, a spokesman for the SEALs. “There are very clear regulations which govern outside employment by personnel as well as prohibitions on behavior that is discrediting to the service.”
Behavior that is “discrediting to the service?” No wonder they need to do an investigation. How could they ever decide whether Schmidt’s performances are discrediting to the Navy without watching him in action?
Of course, given the reported prevalence of porn consumption within the armed services, I’d say it’s likely Schmidt’s bosses already have seen his work. Plus, unless the guy has trouble keeping wood or finishing what he starts (so to speak) in the context of porn, how can the Navy not take pride in something like Schmidt’s performance in the Massage Parlor classic “Feel the Love”?
Incredibly, the Navy seems poised to curtail Schmidt’s post-career benefits over his allegedly unauthorized porn performances, which is a hell of a way to treat a decorated member of its ranks. It’s going to be particularly galling for Schmidt if high-ranking members of the SEALs were already aware of his side-job (as his wife claims) and once invited Jade herself to sign autographs on the Coronado base after she was named Penthouse Pet of the Month in 2011.
Regardless how Schmidt’s situation plays out, all of this makes me wonder what else the military recruiters didn’t tell me back in the ’80s about their respective services.
Does the Army have a medical marijuana efficacy research wing? Do Air Force pilots get a strip club cover charge waiver after flying a certain number of combat sorties? Should we re-brand the Marine Corps as “The few, the proud, the constantly getting laid?”
Look, the bottom line here is if you’re going to encourage me to “be all that you can be,” and/or do more shit before 9 a.m. than other people do all day, you have a fundamental moral obligation to inform me two of the things I can be are 1) blissfully drugged-out and 2) a porn star.
Come now, Uncle Sam, stop this madness and carefully consider all the international implications of your actions for a change.
I mean, just for starters, how is China supposed to take seriously your calls for “military transparency” when you’re not even telling your own prospective soldiers about the two biggest benefits of enlisting?
Image: Jay Voom and his wife, Jewels Jade. Jade photo © jerone2.
