No matter how much YNOT attempts to resist trite, cliched coverage of trite, cliched subjects, sometimes we’ve just got to say “the hell with it” and give in to our baser urges.

Thus, we are delivering a non-report about Halloween porn based on a non-press-release submitted by a tube site.

At least we’re honest about our process.

According to xHamster’s exhaustive review of its server logs, “Halloween is officially sexier than ever.” Searches for “Halloween” and Halloween-themed porn jumped 271 percent this October over the same period in 2016. (Perhaps that’s because everyday life has become so frightening mainstream horror flicks just seem banal these days. At least sex is worth watching. Sometimes.)

Evidently all Halloween fetishes are not created equal, though. According to xHamster Vice President Alex Hawkins, witches and skeletons are in, while candy and ghosts “are officially boner-killers.” (You people who remain obsessed with erotic candy [?] and ghosts, please reorient your libidos. You’re embarrassing the rest of us.)

Other mildly interesting Halloween-porn stats:

Vampires and Frankenstein’s monster have seen a slight uptick in interest this year, while zombies and Harley Quinn saw a marginal decrease. (Candy took a nosedive, while witches and skeletons skyrocketed.)

A Vox survey indicated 42 percent of Americans are more freaked-out by clowns than by climate change or terrorism. More than one in three of those think the FBI should take more action against clowns. (No, we did not make that up.) The only thing more frightening to Americans, according to the survey, is government corruption (61 percent). This appears to be borne out by xHamster’s data, which indicated a spike in erotic clown interest in October 2016. This year, clowns scrape the bottom of the sexy scale only slightly above mummies.

We’re not sure exactly what the takeaway is here, but you may want to eschew face paint and a red wig if you hope to get laid on All Hallow’s Eve.

(More xHamster Halloween-porn stats are here.)

Image © Daniel Perry