By Dr. Gail Dense
Special to YNOT
BOSTON – If you have been watching the news this week, you’ve almost certainly heard the National Football League has come down pretty hard on the New England Patriots and their quarterback Tom Brady over the matter of deflated balls.
For those who think Brady and the Patriots are getting what they deserve, I must ask: Where is your concern for the rest of the deflated balls in —this country? I’m speaking of the deflated balls possessed by porn-addicted men, of course a population which, by my own thoroughly scientific calculation, now numbers in the tens of billions.
There are some who claim deflating your balls through porn viewing is natural, or even beneficial, to men. In crafting their deceptive and duplicitous rhetoric, such pernicious liars cite “fuzzy math” like FBI statistics that indicate a reduction in sexual assault corresponding with the rise of internet porn, as though these numbers can be trusted more than reliable anecdotal evidence provided by serious academics in their reasonably priced books. My latest, Welcome to the Porn-Jungle: Watch It Bring You to Your Knn-Knn-Knn-Knees (now available through Amazon, Fruitcakes ‘R Us and other discerning outlets of progressive modern thought), is an excellent example.
What’s most surprising and troubling in the ongoing saga of “Deflategate” isn’t the offense that gave rise to the punishment, or even the punishment itself. Frankly, what’s shocking is it took the National Football League so long to recognize the massive, all-encompassing porn problem that is destroying not only the sport of football, but also football fans, children, property values, the internet, children, the college experience, children, women’s lives and the future of humankind. (It’s also very harmful to children, but this goes without saying.)
Why would Brady think there was anything wrong with taking the field in possession of deflated balls when every day on the internet, he reads about ridiculous pseudo-scientific studies that insanely suggest porn consumption and masturbation are normal, even “healthy,” practices in which to engage?
In such a climate, it’s no wonder a young man like Brady would think he was being merely “one of the guys” or just “letting off a little steam” by making the decision to deflate his balls. All one has to do is look at the numbers involved and it’s quite clear how pervasive and corrupting porn has become.
In a world where at least 130 percent of pornography features extreme violence against women and 473 percent of all men commit sex crimes against their own penises while watching porn, is it any wonder Brady and others in the Patriots organization still think he has done nothing wrong, despite the presentation of semi-persuasive circumstantial evidence showing he was vaguely aware of having ejaculated in his pants prior to taking the field against the Colts in the AFC Championship game?
If there’s anything in the Swells Report that bothers me, it’s the complete omission of any mention of online porn on the part of the NFL’s investigators. It’s easy to say now they couldn’t get their hands on any hardcore evidence because Brady was unwilling to hand over his phone, but if investigators were really interested in getting to the truth behind Deflategate, what they should have been looking at was his browser cache.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not giving Brady a total pass here. He is, after all, part of the global capitalist system, and we all know capitalism is bad because the banks are in bed with the porn industry, which in turn is run by the Rockefellers and the Bilderbergs — or maybe it’s run by Rupert Murdoch and Ben Stein. In any case, my point is capitalism is run by bad people, and it’s no coincidence those bad people are male porn addicts and purveyors of violent entertainment.
It’s bad enough the NFL blatantly discriminates against women with total impunity. Can you name even one female player ever to play in the Pro Bowl? Now the NFL wants to treat Brady like he’s the Pete Rose of pregame locker room masturbation and pretend it’s somehow all about “protecting the integrity of the game.” The NFL would like to pretend it’s not true 247 percent of players are admitted porn addicts, according to a comment published in response to a blog post I appear to have misplaced the link to, but trust me it was from a clearly reliable, anonymous source.
Personally, I believe Brady’s suspension is more about covering up some NFL executive’s financial stake in the global porn industry (if I had to guess, I’d say iDean Blandino, aka “Mr. Dallas Cowboys Party Bus”) than trying to prevent cheating.
After all, if the NFL’s true concern were the treatment of balls, presumably NFL officials would have gone through the roof when the Vikings were caught warming up their balls on the sidelines — in plain view of TV cameras, no less. How this incident didn’t result in the FCC leveling substantial fines against Fox is beyond me, as brandishing one’s scrotum in public sounds like “broadcast indecency” to me.
As Brady’s punishment goes through the appeals process, I beseech all football fans to petition, protest and otherwise pressure the NFL and Roger Goodell to finally and comprehensively address the real elephant in the room: porn and its insidious, debilitating, demeaning, degrading — and yes, deflating — effect on the men who consume it.
As for Brady, I sincerely hope this poor victim of porn addiction gets the help he needs — from another of my books: Porn Trap: How to Chew Off Your Own Penis and Escape Before it’s Too Late.
Dr. Gail Dense is an academic, feminist, anti-porn activist, author, filmmaker and expert on which kinds of sex are (and aren’t) healthy, normal and socially acceptable.
