COWETA COUNTY, GA — If you’re driving through Coweta County, GA and realize you’re out of condoms – keep on driving, because the area doesn’t want sinners like you stopping by and ruining the area’s excellent moral climate. Thanks to the unanimous decision of the Coweta County Board of Commissioners, the sale or distribution of “obscenity” is prohibited, as is the knowing sale or possession with intent to sell “any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.”

A previous ordinance had tolerated the sale of condoms, assuming that they were not intended to provide genital stimulation. Alas, now that condoms can be ribbed and lubricants can warm or tingle, they’re all socially unacceptable.

Anyone thinking they can avoid the issue by hosting a discreet in-home toy party had better think twice, too, because the County Commissioners have deemed themselves to be the rightful determiners of what should go on not only at retail outlets but private homes.

Those who refuse to abide by the new law face up to a six month jail term and/or fine of as much as $1,000.

Those who procure such obscenities “for a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial, or law enforcement purpose” should have nothing to worry about, however.

Inspiring the Commissioner’s concern for the apparent scourge of obscenity in the area appears to be the recent attempt by Kelly Rogers to open an adult store in Coweta. Although the Times-Herald states that Rogers has repeatedly promised to abide by any adult business regulations, his application for a business license has been denied. The previous ordinance had allowed a 25-percent threshold for explicit publications, photos and videos. Because the store had not yet put stock on its shelves, it could not prove itself in compliance with the law.

The new ordinance expands the 25-percent threshold to include all wholesale and retail value, no more than 2,000 items and no more than 500 square feet of any building – including aisles and walkways — possessing affected merchandise.

Although Rogers initially believed he would be able to bring his store into compliance, the prohibition against sex toys has made that unlikely. He

“If we have to fight, we fight,” he told the Times-Herald. “We will try to negotiate first; and if that doesn’t do any good, we’ll fight. I just think it’s ridiculous to spend tax dollars to drag this out.”