LOS ANGELES – In a strongly worded statement issued through its representatives, an alleged sex tape featuring would-be reality TV star Chastity Stoven has firmly denied its own existence.
“My client is disgusted and outraged to find itself roped into the obscene media circus created by reality TV star Chastity Stoven and porno magnate Eztebe Harsch, the CEO of GARISH Entertainment,” said Bryce Gauche, the purported sex tape’s agent and publicist. “While my client does not deny being a medium onto which video footage may be recorded and stored, he firmly, unreservedly and vehemently denies having any contact with sexually explicit depictions of Ms. Stoven.”
Stoven, who first rose to tabloid prominence when she admitted having sex with an aging B-list actor and then marrying him, continues to insist she doesn’t really want the alleged footage to be distributed in any way, despite evidently signing a contract with GARISH which gives the company the green light to publish the video.
“Although I’m outraged, saddened and disappointed by this violation of my trust perpetrated by a close friend who recorded the video with the agreement it would be kept private — except for maybe leaking news of its existence to TMZ if ever I was in need of a little publicity boost — I have concluded I can’t prevent it from happening,” Stoven said in a statement released by her chief hairstylist. “It has become clear to me this person will stop at nothing to get the tape released, despite the fact the footage has been around a very long time and he hasn’t managed to get it released, and the possibly related fact it would be clearly illegal for him to do so without my permission.”
Harsch said he has a hard time understanding Stoven’s reticence, given the footage “represents the most erotic, sexy, exciting, visually spectacular exhibition of sexuality I have seen since the last time our company released a celebrity sex tape.”
“It’s not every day GARISH has the opportunity to release footage of such a stunning sexual performance by such a gorgeous, painstakingly surgically enhanced young woman,” Harsch said. “It’s more like every other week, tops.”
While some gossip pundits and adult industry insiders have questioned whether a Stoven sex tape actually existed, celebrity sex tape expert Kenton “KP” Pratt confirmed he has personally seen the footage of Stoven and called the tape’s claim of non-existence “almost as laughable as NFL officials expecting people to take them seriously when they talk about their concern for ‘the integrity of the game.’”
“Believe me, I know celebrity sex tapes when I see them, and this clearly is a sex tape,” Pratt said. “True, it’s not what most people would call ‘hardcore,’ because Chastity just sorta strips off half her clothes and vaguely plays herself with one hand while using the other to browse Shoedazzle on her smartphone, but it’s still way hotter than that grainy, eye-straining night-vision footage that somehow made Bordeaux Marriott into the star she is today.”
Gauche, however, said his client is sticking to its story — and the people from Webster’s Dictionary might just be on his client’s side.
“If you look up the word ‘sex,’ regardless the dictionary or website you use, you’ll see it generally specifies sexual intercourse, an act which invariably requires the presence of two parties — ideally two human parties,” Gauche said. “So, whether or not Ms. Stoven is legitimately masturbating in this alleged footage or just sort of manually twiddling around mindlessly in the vicinity of her clitoris while shoe shopping, whatever she’s up to clearly falls short of qualifying as sex. Ergo my client cannot be accurately described as a ‘sex tape.’ Describing him in this way is all about maximizing publicity and profits.”
Harsch took umbrage with the notion he has overstated Stoven’s performance, as well as the idea his decision to pursue distribution rights was driven by financial, as opposed to artistic, considerations.
“To say I’m doing this for money is patently absurd,” Harsch said. “I’m all about sharing this beautiful woman’s talents and abilities with true fans of erotic art, who respect and admire her brave, open approach to expressing herself sexually. Plus, she has absolutely enormous gazongas, and in my experience the kind of sophisticated, urbane and discerning adults who comprise the GARISH customer base are especially appreciative of the high-class appearance of truly massive fake knockers — especially when the greatly respected, thoroughly admired filthy fucking whore is heaving, moaning, arching her back and really getting into it.”
As for the sex tape’s potential to generate revenue, Pratt said it would likely rival the sales generated by the infamous sex tape featuring legendary heavy metal drummer Teddy Leigh and model-actress Andrea Pamelson.
“The Teddy and Andrea tape set definitely set the standard for all shaky, hand-filmed pornography of dubious origin to follow,” Pratt said. “I know it might sound like hyperbole, but this Chastity Stoven masturbation tape has the potential to make people forget all about Teddy and Andrea — especially if it turns out it was stolen from Chastity’s house by a disgruntled former contractor during a daring midnight commando raid, or some perpetually media-friendly bullshit along those lines.”
For her part, Stoven said she has finally given GARISH the go-ahead to release the footage, but she will donate all of the proceeds to charity. Asked which charities she would be donating too, Stoven indicated she hadn’t decided yet, but added “it will probably be something involving things nobody can really give me a hard time about, like sick kids, abused animals, or particularly fabulous shoes — which, despite what people might think, are often in desperate and immediate need of a stable, loving home.”
