WASHINGTON – The decision by the U.S. Office of the Director of National Intelligence not to reveal, disclose or describe the “extensive” porn collection found during the raid in which al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was killed has sparked a fierce debate about national security and the balance between arguably necessary government secrecy and the public’s “right to know.”
Earlier this week, ODNI spokesman Brian Hale said the agency has “no plans to release [details about the porn] at this point in time,” adding the decision was made “due to the nature of the content.”
While some view the secrecy surrounding bin Laden’s alleged smut pile as an unimportant facet of the larger story concerning items and information recovered, critics say the ODNI is hiding behind porn’s controversial nature as an excuse to avoid disclosure of details that may call into question the Obama Administration’s narrative concerning the raid in Abbottabad, or even point to broader conspiracies and cover-ups.
“First, Americans have a manifest, undeniable Constitutional right to know more than just the vague, general nature of the materials to which our enemies are masturbating,” said Richard Schlagschwer, a self-proclaimed expert on Constitutional law, military intelligence, government cover-ups and premium automobile wax types. “Second, there are so many holes in the Administration’s story, it makes you wonder if they might also have been involved in getting State of Affairs cancelled after just one season — perhaps because Charleston Tucker was getting too close to the truth?”
Others argue the lack of “trans-pornecy” on the part of the ODNI is completely appropriate in a national security context, even though the agency has released a great deal of information about non-pornographic materials discovered in bin Laden’s compound.
“You simply never want to tip your hand to the enemy,” said Claudio Barrido Bajo-Manta, executive director of the national security think tank Center for Responsible Application of Protocol (CRAP). “Whether it’s disclosing details about which types of electronic communication we monitor, any sophisticated tracking cookies the NSA might surreptitiously inject into the source code of popular adult tube sites, or how we use porn niche and content category data to gauge whether the viewer is a terror cell’s logistics officer or an eventual suicide bomber, from a national security perspective these are things one just shouldn’t publicly discuss.”
Schlagschwer dismissed Barrido Bajo-Manta’s explanation as “openly advocating for sweeping things under the rug,” and “exactly what I’d expect from a paid cog in the military-industrial machine.”
“The government apologists can’t have it both ways,” Schlagschwer said. “The details of Osama’s porn collection can’t simultaneously be no big deal and a matter of national security. They’re clearly hiding something. Was Osama’s body shot into space instead of dumped in the ocean? Was there never really an Osama in the first place? Did Hillary Clinton shoot Biggie and 2Pac? The possibilities are endless.”
Schlagschwer also asserted in addition to being the executive director of CRAP, Barrido Bajo-Manta serves as a paid PR consultant for the Pentagon. When asked about this claim, Barrido Bajo-Manta said he’s “legally barred from commenting on any alleged ties to the Pentagon” due to a strict nondisclosure agreement he signed when he was first retained to provide “top-secret public relations consultation services” to former Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird.
Adult industry insiders, meanwhile, are hesitant to speculate about which studios, stars and orifices might have been bin Laden’s cup of forbidden tea — but one of them says he aims to find out.
Known for his past efforts to unmask hypocritical politicians, including those who voted to cut funding to the National Endowment for the Arts while sending their own children to expensive and luxurious private summer band camps, HOSER Publications founder and Chief Executive Officer Jerry Chert has announced a $1 million award for “credible information concerning titles, performers, positions, genres and other pertinent details” about bin Laden’s alleged porn stash.
“This position the ODNI has taken about Osama’s porn is nothing less than an insult to the intelligence, dignity and idle curiosity of the American people,” Chert said in a statement HOSER released on Wednesday.
“Just as they did with Benghazi, the IRS scandal and serious concerns about the Commander in Chief’s highly questionable taste in rap music, the Obama Administration is trying to distract, dodge and duck its way out of trouble,” Chert added. “We at HOSER will not stand for this. We will leave no stone unturned so long as there remains one government secret to be revealed, one treasonous conspirator left to drag out into the cleansing daylight, or one publicity opportunity left to brazenly exploit.”
While he doubts it will produce confirmable results, Chert’s rival porn mogul, GARISH Entertainment CEO Eztebe Harsch, said he applauds the marketing savvy and public relations acumen behind Chert’s bounty offer.
“I gotta hand it to Jerry, this offer is a win-win for him,” Harsch said. “If somehow he gets the scoop on Osama’s porn, it’s most likely going to come from one of the Navy SEALS who was part of the raid, so he gets to spin the million bucks as supporting the troops and rewarding a hero in the war on terror. If not, he still gets credit for standing up to the government and sticking it to the man.
“I wish I had thought of it, honestly,” Harsch added. “But make no mistake: Even though Jerry might have drawn first publicity-blood here, I’m still gonna offer a porn gig to any decent looking whistleblowers, leakers or jilted interns who might come forward during all of this.”
