By Arturo Chulovista
Special to YNOT
BAHIA LA CHOLLA, México – Hola, my porn-making amigos del Norte! My name is Arturo Chulovista, and I’m the Unofficial Mayor of Bahía la Cholla, México – or as I like to call it, the future capital of the adult entertainment industry.
I know you’re busy, so I’m going to get right to the point: Everybody knows you’ve worn out your welcome in California, and now it seems like your short honeymoon with Nevada is over too, so it’s time to start being realistic about your options.
Sure, you could set up shop in New Hampshire, where at least you know the local policía won’t charge you with prostitution for making pornografía – but all you’re going to accomplish is freezing your cojones off for a few weeks before officials there rain condoms on your sex parade, too.
The answer is clear: Come to sunny Bahía la Cholla!
Bring your cameras, your sexy ladies – but leave the men and the Viagra at home. Las drogas are all cheaper here, and we have many local hombres who are ready, willing and able to do the job. Plus, when filming is over, they will be happy to clean the set and your windshield for just a few dollars more.
I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t it totally against the law in Bahía la Cholla to make porn?
To be honest, it probably is. But you know what? It’s also illegal to sit on the beach smoking yerba and shooting fat gringo turistas in the ass with pellet guns, but we do that shit here all the time. Plus, as the Unofficial Mayor, I am clearly and specifically empowered to bribe all the officials.
The best part: When you travel down here, you don’t have to tell nobody what you’re doing. You just say you’re going on vacation! Turistas always have cameras and money and shit, so nobody on your side of the border will give a second thought to your equipment. Just make sure to tell the girls not put on their makeup and miniskirts until they actually get to Bahía la Cholla, or the federales on our side of the border will recognize them, for sure.
We have all kinds of great locations to shoot at down here, too. There’s the beach, lots of nice, fancy beach houses and just north of here some exotic old volcanic mountains called El Pinacate. It kind of looks like the surface of the moon there, so it would be a great place to shoot low-budget porn sci-fi movies.
El Pinacate is also a major smuggling corridor for los narcotraficantes, which means it’s a very convenient place to get las drogas…. Not that you are interested in las drogas, of course.
You might be wondering why you should choose Bahía la Cholla instead of someplace in Europe where they already shoot a lot of the porno. Three words, amigos: Localidad, localidad, locadliad.
You can drive to Bahía la Cholla from L.A. in about eight hours. I don’t know how long it takes to drive to Prague or Budapest, but I’ll bet it’s at least like 12, right? That means less time travelling and more time for tequila, tacos and triple penetración.
You don’t have to make up your mind right away. Bahía la Cholla will always be here for you, industria del porno. Just keep in mind the sooner you make reservations, the more choice you will have in beach condos location – and the more time I’ll have to figure out who to bribe.
Adios for now, amigos mios. I hope you accept my invitation so we can soon meet in person. Don’t forget to pack plenty of sunscreen, at least two swimsuits – and lots of el lubricante.
