MONTGOMERY, AL — Many a blogger, political pundit, and everyday person has wondered precisely what the root of Alabama Attorney General Troy King’s overwhelming loathing for all things sexual, including and especially sex toys and homosexuality, might be. According to reports making their way across the internet – it might be that he’s a closeted homosexual. Or was.
Closeted, that is.
Alas for King’s political career and likely his marriage, evidence of his unofficial same-sex indulgences is said to have been brought to bedroom light by none other than his wife, who, according to GayWired.com, PerezHilton.com, and others, had the unpleasant shock of finding her husband enjoying some afternoon or possibly evening delight in their marital bed — with his male assistant.
Although the mainstream press hasn’t – and perhaps never will – break the news to the public, the bloggesphere is afire with speculation about what will happen next to the man who declared homosexuality to be “the downfall of society” while refusing to all men or women – regardless of their sexual orientation – to purchase anything that might conceivably provide their genitals with non-procreative pleasure.
Still unconfirmed cyberwhispers speculate that King has already resigned from his position as Attorney General for one of the few states where masturbation with anything more elaborate than one’s hand or a toilet paper tube has become possible only by purchasing out-of-state goods.
Ironically – or predictably – King has repeatedly spoken out against nearly every form of supposedly non-traditional sensual enjoyment – including gay marriages. In May, King proclaimed Alabama to be a state where Massachusetts’ same-sex marriages will be given the hairy eyeball and denied legal recognition.
GayWired.com reports that the now essentially unemployed King is not currently welcome in his own home, with wife Paige King allegedly inviting him to investigate alternative sleeping arrangements.
Whether the GOP and John McCain, whom King early endorsed, will remain cordial with the man once expected to become Governor of Alabama is unknown, of course. Much of King’s political career has relied upon a soft spoken but hyper masculine approach to social issues, including opposition to sex toys, abortion, homosexuality and enthusiastic support for the death penalty. King’s public protestation of homosexuality dates back at least as far as his University of Alabama days, when he frequently wrote anti-gay, anti-affirmative action, and anti-abortion editorials for The Crimson White.
It was during those column writing days that King proclaimed homosexuality to be the “downfall of society” and AIDS as the cleansing solution to America’s problem with gays. It was King’s stated belief and hope that the disease would encourage the “current purveyors of perversion [to] refrain from committing sodomy.”
King’s opinions of gays and lesbians who hoped to marry or otherwise partner and raise children were unsurprisingly low. “I often hear the argument that homosexuals who live together create a loving, caring family environment, perhaps an environment which is even superior to that which can be provided by a heterosexual couple,” he once wrote. “In this day of rampant decadence, many homosexuals would mislead society into believing that three men, an armadillo, and a house plant create a functional family.”
Although no reports have been released indicating that an additional male, a house plant, or even an armadillo were found by King’s wife when she discovered the boy/boy tryst between her sheets, it is perhaps unsurprising that a lying cheat might think poorly of those who openly and shamelessly explore their same-sex attractions.
The Locus Fork Journal states that governor’s representative Tara Hutchinson reports that there has been no word about a resignation, nor a gay affair resulting in a lack of welcome under King’s own roof.
