SALEM, MA — For some people, life is an astonishingly straightforward proposition. Certain things are simply evil, regardless of empirical evidence, and some things are always good, using the same high standards. For those who find the idea of adult entertainment repellant, the vision of a part of town dedicated to such professional ventures is a vision of hell.”Let’s be candid,” Salem, MA resident Michael Kobialka opined, according to the Salem News, “it encourages prostitution, drug dealers, dope users, pedophiles, and every kind of lewd lascivious pervert you can think of, and serves no benefit to the city.”

Where, some might wonder, have such individuals come from and congregate at in the majority of cities, where such zoning laws do not exist — Salem included.

The City Council has struggled to find a solution to a problem that does not yet exist: what to do with strip clubs, adult video stores, and businesses that want to sell sexy and sexually explicit items for adults. Citizens located in areas under consideration for adult business zoning gathered recently to protest the proposal, insisting that crime would skyrocket and property values would crash.

Officials have been meeting with neighborhood representatives for months to hammer out a solution. Discussions about lot sizes and distance from sensitive areas have been ongoing, but none of those who have attended a council meeting at City Hall have spoken in favor of allowing adult businesses into the city. In fact, the question has been met with stony silence followed by laughter, according to the Salem News.

“This is going to be an economic debacle for Salem,” prophesied neighbor Peter Engel. “And if you ask Mayor Driscoll, I’m sure she’ll tell you we don’t need less money.”

Some residents are concerned that late night businesses are a bad fit for an area of town where the average company turns off its lights by 6:00 pm. Others worry that the quiet, safe streets they love will turn noisy and congested. Yet others fret that more mainstream businesses will avoid an area believed to be ripe for economic development. A few wish the city would simply declare the entire city an adult-entertainment-free zone and all who spoke with the press foretold absolute defeat of an adult-friendly zoning plan were it to go to the voters.

“Let the people who own this city vote and say, ‘Your business in not welcome here,'” another neighbor, Phillip Blaskovich, is reported to have challenged potential business owners.

The best City Council members have been able to do is assure citizens that any adult business that may exist will be forced to conform the any new laws passed, with no grandfathering allowed. While this won’t keep new businesses from opening, it could force a few to close, if zoning found them out of compliance.

Ward 6 Councilor Paul Prevey insists that the council will do whatever it takes “to get this right.” As Prevey defines it, “right” apparently means “So when a business comes forward and they don’t have their things right, we can stop them dead.”