MONTREAL – In its ongoing effort to supply the consumer market with porn-related things literally nobody wants or needs, Pornhub has announced it will release a Christmas carol Dec. 1.
This is great news, because if there’s one thing the holiday season clearly lacks, it’s a healthy supply of despicable Christmas-themed music. After all, it’s not like we Americans can hear Christmas music any time we want, just by leaving the immediate vicinity of our homes at any point between Nov. 1 and Dec. 31 of any given year.
Packed with trite sexual innuendo and dripping with hideous holiday synth tones, “Coming for Christmas” seeks to follow in the tradition of Clarence Carter’s “Back Door Santa”, or maybe the somewhat less subtle “12 Lays of Christmas” by Blowfly, only featuring less-clever lyrics and far worse musical accompaniment.
“Have I been a nice girl? Have I been a naughty girl?” lead vocalist Brooklyn Blue sings, attempting an American Idol-approved Modern Diva inflection as she extends the syllables to make them (almost) fit the rhythm of the underlying track. “There’s only one way that we can find out. Let’s go sit on Santa’s lap. See what’s inside his sack.”
OK, so it’s not as lyrical as “Silent Night,” but at least it probably isn’t going to get all Jesusy on us, right? Although, come to think of it, if the goal was to drum up some publicity-by-controversy with this little Xmas number, Pornhub probably would have garnered significantly more by having a porn star croon about her not-so-pure love for the Lamb of God….
Don’t get me wrong: Pornhub’s new Xmas track probably won’t turn out to be much worse than, say, the NKOTB classic “Funky Funky Christmas” (although clearly it will lack the complex choreography thereof), but I can’t help but wonder if we don’t already have enough shitty Christmas music at our disposal to last another millennium or six.
Judging by my last sojourn to the local shopping mall, I’d estimate, conservatively, there’s roughly 800 distinct versions of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” in existence, and about half again as many renditions of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Add in the approximately quarter-billion recording artists who have recorded Christmas albums featuring both traditional and original Xmas tunes over the years, and I figure you’ve already got enough music to create a 10-year Christmas Playlist from Hell.
When it comes to things the porn industry can contribute to the holiday season, we’re all better served if we leave it at porn stars decked in sexy elf costumes, the occasional “Santa gets a lap dance” video and maybe a winking “Yule Log” reference or two. Anything more, and we’re just kicking a good holiday when it’s down—and as we all know, kicking Christmas while it’s down the exclusive domain of the American Atheists.
Pornhub’s “Coming for Christmas” does have one redeeming quality lacking in most traditional Christmas carols, however: Mercifully, it is very likely to be the only version of the song ever recorded.
Can I get an “Amen” to that, people?
