PORTLAND, OR — It’s hard to imagine Theresa “Darklady” Reed not wanting to talk about masturbation. She is, after all, the founder of Portland, OR’s annual Masturbate-a-thon, a charity event that not only encourages people to get in touch with their sensual sides but also raises funds for a number of sex-positive benevolent organizations.Yet there she sat, amused frustration seeping through the instant messenger window, as she recounted the lurid details of the episode of Playboy Radio’s Night Calls upon which she had just appeared as a guest.

“We talked a lot about the Masturbate-a-thon,” she typed. “I didn’t get to hype everyone I wanted to hype, but I did my best. I didn’t get to mention Hot Movies, who’s a financial sponsor. I wasn’t able to get a YNOT plug in there. [Presumably, something like “I’m the editor.”] Christy [Canyon, co-hostess of the show with Vanessa Blue] just wanted to talk about the ’thon.”

Actually, Canyon and Blue didn’t “just want to talk about the ’thon,” as it turned out. They also wanted to dive beneath the covers of a new erotica anthology to which Reed contributed a short story.

“Dirty Girls, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel,” Reed typed. “It’s supposed to be ‘erotica for women,’ but I actually wrote it for a gay Asian male audience.”

Canyon and Blue found Reed’s “creative process” interesting.

“I write a story and include sex,” Reed typed. “The sex isn’t usually the main point of the story, although it may be important as a setting.”

She also was able to mention she’s part of the development team for a new Adam & Eve project about big, beautiful women.

“I’m writing a script for Carlos Batts, and I’m going to be associate producer on the production,” she typed. “I’m flying to L.A. just before Cybernet [Expo] to watch and also act in it.”

Busy girl, this masturbatrix.

Actually, when it came right down to the nitty gritty, it was the radio show’s audience that only wanted to talk about masturbation.

What excited listeners “was a chance to talk about masturbation on the air, I suspect,” Reed typed. “I got invited to create [a Masturbate-a-thon] in New Mexico, by a caller named ‘Rose.’ She said she masturbates five or six times a day and wondered if I’d host a ’thon there.

“I also had a guy call in to ask if it was normal for him to like to have pressure on his throat when he came. That turned into an interesting conversation about autoerotic asphyxiation and how my first boyfriend died from it. I talked about informed and educated consent and understanding what pressure can do to the body so you can know how much is too much.

“I even talked about men using toys on their prostates and not being gay,” she typed. “Men are beginning to get over their fear of that. It used to be nipples. Only gay men like having their nipples touched, apparently. I love sucking on a man’s nipples while helping jack him off. When I’ve been with men who don’t like their nipples touched, I’ve really felt cheated.”

So there you go, guys. You heard it here first: Enjoying nipple stimulation doesn’t make a man gay.

As for the show’s hostesses, Reed said they’re both intelligent, sophisticated women with well-developed senses of humor and timing.

“That Christy Canyon is on top of it,” she typed. “She had a very definite idea about what we were going to talk about, and she didn’t give me a chance to step away from that. She’s amazingly high-energy.

“Vanessa was surprisingly quiet. She and I only got to talk briefly, about the choking stuff, but she’s an interesting cat. She asked me what makes a girl a BBW. I didn’t really have a weight or a firm definition. ‘Curvy’ was what I finally came up with. Actually, Renaissance is the definitive period [for BBWs], if you know your history. I have the perfect chin and shoulders for the Renaissance. Naturally, I’m a few hundred years late….”

Reed is scheduled to appear on Playboy’s “Night Calls” again on May 23rd. No telling what subject matter will come up then, but it’s almost guaranteed to be salacious and witty.