CANOGA PARK, Calif. – In a new wrinkle on what appears to be an ongoing and disturbing trend, a homeowner in the posh Canoga Park area of the San Fernando Valley has reported hundreds of porn videos uploaded to various adult tube sites appear to have been filmed on his historic, stained red couch.
“When a friend first sent me a link to one of the videos, I was sure it was just some kind of weird coincidence,” said Jeffrey Kaiser, the aggrieved owner of the property. “But as I started watching through more of the videos with the same couch — and there are hundreds of these videos, maybe even thousands — I noticed the small tear in the center of the second cushion and the little stack of cardboard pieces I use as a shim under the front-right leg, and my heart just sank. I knew it was my couch, and more to the point, I knew there must be way more splooge soaked into its cushions than I had ever imagined.”
Choking back tears, Kaiser explained his sofa was no ordinary red couch. Before it was part of his décor, it resided inside a Universal Pictures trailer used by such luminary thespians as Alex Karras, baseball great Bob Uecker and the legendary star of The Ropers, Sir Norman Fell.
Throughout its time at Universal, the red sofa was always behind the scenes, Kaiser said, and none of the videos appear to have been shot during that era, leaving Kaiser with the inescapable conclusion the scenes were all clandestinely filmed in his two-bedroom condominium.
Kaiser said while he has never knowingly rented out his condo for use by a film crew, pornographic or otherwise, for some time now he has been leasing it out on a short-term basis through an Airbnb competitor called Cloud-Based-Bed-N-Breakfast-N-BYOB.
“The terms of the service are pretty clear; as a guest you’re not supposed to get naked inside the rental unit, other than when you’re getting into the shower, or cleaning up forensic evidence from any sort of murderous crime scene you might have created during a possibly clandestine visit,” Kaiser said. “So if it turns out renters have been making porn in my condo, and it wasn’t legitimate, Canadian-style amateur snuff porn there’s a manifest and practical need to cover up, heads are definitely going to roll over this.”
Social psychologist Dr. Sylvia Moreal-Panique said when viewed in combination with the trend of porno-tourism which has struck historic sites ranging from Egypt to South Africa, Kaiser’s red couch fiasco “must be considered part of a pandemic of unacceptable serial rudeness and socially unacceptable public behavior we haven’t seen since the peak of Howard Stern’s popularity.
“If you thought ‘Fartman’ was bad, just wait until you see where this porno tourism thing is heading,” Moreal-Panique continued. “Pretty soon, we’ll have trios of porn stars photobombing Whitehouse visits of foreign dignitaries by performing double-penetration in the background of press conferences. Sure, it wouldn’t phase Angela Merkel in light of the ongoing problem of those Bavarian sex-cannibals hounding her various photo-ops all across the European continent, but if you think King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud or Singapore’s Tony Tan would just brush off such an obscene spectacle, you’ve got another think coming.”
Most disturbing to Kaiser, though, is the sense he has thus far seen the mere tip of the couch-porn iceberg.
“Looking over the various clips, some of them clearly are a lot older than others,” Kaiser said. “One of them was a double-anal scene featuring Taylor Rain, and I’m pretty sure she retired before I even started renting out my condo, which is very troubling, obviously.”
“On the bright side, it looked like Taylor swallowed the vast majority of the sperm emitted in that particular scene,” Kaiser added, “but this is rather cold comfort when you consider how much buttcrack sweat her two male co-stars presumably secreted over the course of filming.”
Investigators with the Los Angeles Police Department said they have “several promising leads” in the case, which they vowed to “thoroughly, exhaustively and comprehensively investigate.”
“Even if we have to watch every porn video on every porn tube site in existence, my team is absolutely committed to tracking down the perpetrators and bringing them to justice,” said Det. Ricardo Despartado, director of the Operation Filthy Futon inter-agency task force. “Failing that, we will at the very least see if we can extort sexual favors from some of the better looking individuals involved.”
“Some people might think of this as a victimless crime,” Despartado added, “but when I think about poor Jeffrey Kaiser, I ask myself: Would I want to lower my butt onto an imponderable number of jizz stains every time I sit down to watch Jeopardy? The answer, I think, for any reasonable person, is a clear and resounding ‘not in particular, no’ — unless I know for certain every last sticky ounce of it was my jizz.”
Kaiser said while he appreciates the LAPD making his case a priority, he’s not optimistic about the prospect any arrests will be made.
“With all this video, I’m sure most people think of this as a slam dunk case,” Kaiser said, “but with so many different ‘donors’ involved, I’m pretty sure the DNA evidence is hopelessly cross-contaminated, so there might not be decisive physical evidence — the proverbial ‘smoking pole,’ as it were.”
If you have any information concerning the crimes committed on, beneath, next to and against Kaiser’s couch, you can tweet your tip using the #OperationFilthyFuton hashtag. For those with concerns for their personal safety or privacy, contact Det. Despartado by leaving your tips at Union Station, inside bike locker #12 on a folded piece of yellow notebook paper with the words “Grocery List for Ricky” written on the outer fold.
