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02:48 AM EST, Monday Jan 11, 2010
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a joke for Mass Dad |
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him the charge for the call was 25 cents and feel free to call the USA anytime.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA for just 25 cents. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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01:09 PM EST, Monday Jan 11, 2010
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LOL.. Nice..
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Johnny Jones has ordered that all people who don't meet his personal standards of having a right to speak on YNOT be silent.
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03:38 PM EST, Monday Jan 11, 2010
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...and it is what happens next that is even more shocking...
After being informed the world has gone to hell, Satan informs the three that he could allow one of them to return to earth with the sole purpose of fixing the mess, however there is one condition...for either George or Vladimir they would have to have sex with a 400lb toothless, cross eyed, unshaved ugly women, who smells as if she hasn't bathed in fifteen years. AND, they would have to make her cum...
For the Queen, she would have to have sex with a three foot dwarf who had a crooked nose, one tooth, and a penis that was three feet in length and two feet in diameter. The Queen would also have to have anal sex with the dwarf and would also have to cum as a result of the intercourse. The three of them were all repulsed and disgusted, but through loyalty to save the world and get out of hell they all agreed. To choose which one would be selected they drew straws and the short straw would be the chosen.
As it turned out Vladimir drew the short straw and was lead down a hallway and into a room where a huge obnoxious woman awaited. Vladimir held his breath and quickly jumped into the mounds of stenchy flesh. After hearing the moans and sounds of extasy the devil was convinced that Vladimir had given the woman a true orgasm and collected him and began to guide him back down the hallway. Along the way Vladimir noticed in another room George W was having sex with Bo Derek, they were grinding and humping and working it, George was smilling and having the time of his life. Of course at this point Vladimir stopped Satan and demanded to know why he had to suffer through having sex with a disqusting women and George W got to live it up with Bo Derek, at which point the devil replied, Bo Derek is trying to get out of hell too....(brr-rump-bump)
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Trans-Glam Productions
photography - design - video production
ICQ-620070687
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05:32 PM EST, Monday Jan 11, 2010
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anybody ever set you up better than that?
I hate being the straightman...in a comedy team sort of way. Very funny
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12:35 AM EST, Tuesday Jan 12, 2010
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LOL.. too much.. You guys should do Leno.
_________________
Johnny Jones has ordered that all people who don't meet his personal standards of having a right to speak on YNOT be silent.
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01:10 AM EST, Tuesday Jan 12, 2010
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You should see our ventriloquist act, my lips never move...
_________________
Trans-Glam Productions
photography - design - video production
ICQ-620070687
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04:02 AM EST, Tuesday Jan 12, 2010
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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04:03 AM EST, Tuesday Jan 12, 2010
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your turn...
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04:05 AM EST, Tuesday Jan 12, 2010
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"You should see our ventriloquist act, my lips never move..."
Yeah we need to practice more cause he's the dummy...
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12:09 PM EST, Tuesday Jan 12, 2010
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a littleperch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You
actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.""Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse withreasonable competence on almost anytopic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst, " and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."What are you talking about?" asks the guy."When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at thedoor in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and
lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,"reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his kneesand began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off
my perch!"
_________________
Trans-Glam Productions
photography - design - video production
ICQ-620070687
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12:17 PM EST, Tuesday Jan 12, 2010
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| davilan wrote: | | "Yeah we need to practice more cause he's the dummy... |
What-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?
_________________
Trans-Glam Productions
photography - design - video production
ICQ-620070687
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03:27 AM EST, Wednesday Jan 13, 2010
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopus.
This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink." There's an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink." She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another. The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants." Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit goes, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
I just wanted to bounce this back to the top after that Cleve asshole moved it so far down...
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12:09 PM EST, Wednesday Jan 13, 2010
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You notice they know exactly when to hit the forum..
They do the same shit on mine.. As soon as I say he guys, taking off for the wekend.. see ya all Monday morning.. WHAM! super assholes take over.
Cleve GO THE FUCK AWAY
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Johnny Jones has ordered that all people who don't meet his personal standards of having a right to speak on YNOT be silent.
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01:22 AM EST, Friday Jan 15, 2010
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Housekeeper-what happened?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile on his face. The egg is frowning and looking frustrated. The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."
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12:20 PM EST, Friday Jan 15, 2010
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A women goes into a hardware store to purchase a strap-hinge for her kitchen cabinet, the salesman brings the strap-hinge to the counter and asks if she would like a screw for it, the woman replies: "no, but I'll blow you for the clock radio on the third shelf"
_________________
Trans-Glam Productions
photography - design - video production
ICQ-620070687
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